- for FIRST NIGHT 2000 & [beyond]
The Punchman steps forth to a "fanfare," played on
the panpipe, Bottles beating a drum.
Welcome to The Dominion of Fancy. I'm your proprietor, Professor
Will.
My noisy assistant here is Mr. Bottles.
With the sound of the pandean pipes we bring you (Drum Roll)
Punch's Moral Opera, A Tragical Comedy or a Comical Tragedy. No
one's sure quite which.
So gather round, get off your feet
Pull up some floor, we're not on the street
Little people down front, middle sized people in the middle,
big people to the back and on the sides.
If it has wheels, please park it over there,
{Those of your who desire interpretation, {ASL} please attend
to (Introduce signer)}
Are you ready? (Response) I said, are you ready?(Response)
We'll see about that.
"Ladies and Gentleman, how do you do?
Very shortly old Punch will be here to see you
Rings on his fingers, bells on his toes,
An hunch on his back and the world's biggest nose.
He's agile, he's lively, he's feisty, he's quick.
He gets into trouble for using his stick
Brawls with his neighbors, fights with his wife
Takes on the Devil, escapes with his life
Our moral is ancient, and the story is plain
If you don't get it, come see us again
Now let Punch stand forth, and you all stand back
Any spare change, it goes in me hat."
Let Punch stand forth! (Aside) Mr. Punch, that's your cue.
Mr. Bottles! Would you enquire after our esteemed colleague?
(BOTTLES goes in)
Joey! I say, Joey! Where is that Clown? (Reaches over playboard
to get him; head only shows)
Joey, have you seen Mr. Punch? (Shake "no")Do you know
where he is? (Nod "yes")
Well, go get him! ( Joey down) It's so hard to get good help these
days.
I should explain about our Mr. Punch. He's been doing this 'ere
show for the last two hundred years. Before that he come over
to London from Italy, where he was a comedian. Why, the first
time we know for certain that he was seen as a puppet on this
side of the Atlantic was down in Dartmouth Massachusetts in 1804.
In England he wandered the streets of London all through the 19th
Century. And right after the Civil War, for twenty years, you
could see him on the Boston Common near where the Park St. T Station
is today. This is his first time indoors at First Night, and maybe
he's not quite ready to perform . (BOTTLES returns) Well, where
is he?
BOTTLES
He seems to be asleep
PROF
We'll see about that! (Storming )This is intolerable. Joey! I
guess if you want something done, you has to do it yourself. (In)
BOTTLES explains
how hard his job is and warns the crowd about Mr. Punch
Mr. Punch is a great pervericator. That means he doesn't always
tell the truth.
And whatever he does, right or wrong, he always says "That's
the way to do it!" And I always say, "Oh no it isn't!"
But he says, "Oh yes it is!" Now what I want you to
do is help me, and tell him "Oh no it isn't!" Can you
say that? Repeat after me "Oh no it isn't!" Sometimes
he does something really wrong, and won't admit it. He says"Oh
no I didn't!. What do you think we say? (That's right), "Oh
yes you did!!")
PUNCH (heard behind)
Go away!
PROF (Unseen)
Mr. Punch, wake up.
PUNCH
Is today Tuesday?
PROF
No, Mr. Punch, this is Friday, the last day of the century. We're
at FIRST NIGHT, and we have a show to do.
PUNCH
Wake me up when it's Tuesday.
PROF
Mr. Punch, get on up there. (Noises) What's the matter?
PUNCH I can't find me hat and Joey's not back with me squashages.
PROF Mr. Punch, it's sewn on your head. Get up there! (Noises)
What's the matter now?
PUNCH The curtain's not open.
PROF Joey! Open the curtain.
( Curtain routine to music - Joey and the frustrating curtain)
That took long enough! Now get on up there!
1
PUNCH (Appears facing backward)
Hey! Where is everybody? There I was,having a nice lie-down (Turn)
Oh, there you are. Where have you been? I've been waiting for
you. I'm a very busy man. I don't like to be kept waiting. Do
you like riddles. I love riddles. Here's a riddle for you; why
did the elephant cross the road.(Wait)
Wrong! He wanted to see my nose; my prominent probscious. The
world's most astonishing nose. It's what gives me my wonderful
singing voice. Mi, mi,mi, meeeee! That's my favorite note. Here's
my favorite song.
(To Jolly Good Fellow)
"Oh, Punch is a jolly good fellow,
His clothes are red, blue & yellow
An' if now and then he get's mellow;
It's only among his good friends
His money he cheerfully spends;
To laugh & grow fat he intends
With girls he's a rogue & a rover;
He lives while he can in clover.
When he dies - the comedies over
- and there Punch's history ends."
(Bottles works for applause if necessary) It's wonderful
to be appreciated; quiet contributions gratefully accepted. Just
kidding! Enough about me.
It's time you met my wife, my beautiful Judy, She's so loving.
She always comes whem I call. Oh Judy love; oh Judysweet Judy
get yourself up here!!! Perhaps she's down the basement doing
the laundry. I'll need your help to call her. So on the count
of three we'll all call Judy. Let's start with One, then Two and
THREE. JUDY!!!!!
2
(Toby the Dog shows up instead.) That's not Judy. That's
my faithful dog, Toby. I found him yesterday. He's very intelligent.
He does tricks. Toby, sit (Dog walks around) Toby, heel.
Toby, roll over and play dead. (Toby flops down) No, no.
Roll over and play dead. Come on, roll over. Come on,
roll over. Roll over!! (Toby flops on top of PUNCH) Not
on top of me, you - dumb - dog. Off off.
TOBY Arf, arf. (Licks PUNCH)
PUNCH I don't need a bath. (Toby spits - bad taste) Cut
that out!(Toby begs) You think you deserve a reward. All
right; you'll have to sing for your supper (Toby howls)
Maybe we better sing together.
"How much is that doggie in the window, the one with the
waggly tail"(Toby howls mournfully) Oh, I forgot,
Toby doesn't have much of atail; he's sensitive about it (Howl)
All right we'll try another song.
"Oh where, oh where, has my little dog gone. Oh where, oh
where can he be.
With his tail too short and his ears too long, Oh, where, oh where
can he be.
(Toby hits a high note!) Show off! I suppose you deserve
a bone. (Gets one) But you'll have to catch it. Ready,
one(Toby runs off) Not yet! Two, THREE! (Pretends to
throw; Toby runs off) Dumb dog.
That's the way to do it!
CROWD RESPONSE EGGED ON BY BOTTLES
Toby returns behind himSnaps at bone, eventually grabs on.
Tug of war. Finally get it.) No fair, you got four legs. (Toby
bops Punch w/ bone and runs off)
3
Ow,my nose, my nose, my beautiful nose. Judy, I'm wounded. (Falls)
JUDY!!!
JUDY (Pops up)
You lubricious layabout, get up off the floor.
PUNCH
Judy, there are people here.
JUDY
You've gone and attracted a crowd again. I'm not going to feed
them.
PUNCH
Judy, my beautiful nose is ruin-ed.
JUDY
Have you been teasing the dog again?
PUNCH
Who me?
JUDY (To audience)
Was he teasing Toby? RESPONSE You teased the dog.
PUNCH
Oh no I did'nt. CROWD RESPONSE
JUDY Serves you right, you big baby.
PUNCH
The baby! The apple of me eye. Bring me my che-ild.
JUDY
Every time I bring you the baby, you make him cry.
PUNCH I promise I won't.
JUDY You always promise you won't.
PUNCH Well, give us a kiss then.
JUDY I'll get the baby.
PUNCH Ah, the baby. Me beautiful boy; a chip off the old block
JUDY A chip off the old blockhead. I've got get ready to go to
FIRST NIGHT. Now don't make the baby cry.
PUNCH I won't
JUDY
(To audience) If he makes the baby cry, you just call me. Just
yell "Judy"
PUNCH
It didn't work before.
JUDY
What??
PUNCH
I'll wait here by the door.
JUDY (To crowd)
Call me! (She goes; Punch rocks the baby)
PUNCH
It'sa lubbely baby; yes it is. Yes it is. Ow, leggo of my node!
Nasty child. You stay over there. (Puts Baby in corner, goes
away. Baby follows)
Stay there (Put back; repeat until Baby cries)
No, no, quiet. (Dances around with Baby singing ) "Judy,judy,
judy, judy."
JUDY
What's all the racket? Did he make the Baby cry? RESPONSE
PUNCH
Oh no I didn't RESPONSE
JUDY
Well, I can't take him with me. Try to be a proper father. EXIT
4
PUNCH
Do I look like a proper father? What am I going to do with you?(Baby
cries) Maybe he's hungry. I'll get his bottle? (Baby drinksbottle
for a long time) That should help (Colicky cries)
What now? He needs to be burped. Burpee burpee, Burppe burppee,
Let's have a big burp for (Favorite politician) (Huge burp!
Then new cry)
He's tired; let's sing him a lullaby. Help me out. "Rock
a by baby, etc." There, that did it/. He's asleep, lulled
by my singing.
This is dry work. I need my bottle. (Gets it; can't get the
top off) Mr. Bottles, can I get some help here. (Bottles
opens gin bottle, and starts to drink) Hey, you're working.
(Punch takes bottle, can't drink) I need a hand here.
(Hand appears) Old joke. Gimme a drink. (A short one) Don't
be so stingy. (Punch empties bottle) That's the way to
do it! RESPONSE
{Sings and dances to popular tune} Oh, look at the baby,
so peaceful, so serene (Flops and snores)
BOTTLES (eventually)
Mr. Punch, Mr. Punch. You can't go to sleep in the middle of the
show.
(Gator appears.)
I didn't see that!
PUNCH
(As Gator prods him) Go'way. Wasa matta? (Eventually
upright) I'm trying to sleep. Who's been bothering me? (To
audience) An alligator? There are no alligators in Boston.
New York, maybe, in the sewers, I don't know. Are you sure it
wasn't a crocodile? Behind me? (Turns; Gator ducks down)
It's not nice to fool Mr. Punch. No no, I looked once, there's
nothing behind me .(Finally turns) Oh my goodness, what
a strange looking kitty cat. Nice kitty (Snap!) Kitty want
to play? (Snap!) (Punch plays with Gator)
(Punch finally caught) Oh, oh, oh (Gator disappears
in a spiral)
What a strange dream! I've got to stop eating so many squashages.
I wonder how the baby's doing? (Goes over) Whee-hoo! We've
got a problem. Judy! What should I do? RESPONSE. Change the baby?
What should I change him into? RESPONSE A diaper?
I better get something. (Down) This was on the table. (Covers
baby) That's the way to do it! RESPONSE
5
JUDY
Oh Punch, they've got marvelous things for kids at FIRST NIGHT.
I'm going to take the baby; where is he?
PUNCH
Well, Judy; there's a problem.
JUDY
With you, there's always a problem.
PUNCH
This time the Baby's the problem.
JUDY
You haven't thrown him out the window again, have you?
PUNCH
Judy, I stopped doing that in the '70s. No, the Baby's problem
is he's spoiled.
JUDY
Of course he's spoiled; he's your son.
PUNCH
No I mean really; just smell him.
JUDY
Where? (Punch points) What's the tablecloth doing up here?
(She uncovers BABY)
He's not only spoiled, he's soiled! Why didn't you change him?
PUNCH
Me, change?
JUDY
You'll regret this (Down )
6
PUNCH
Every little thing seems to upset her. I'm hungry. Joey!
JOEY (pops up behind him)
Yes, Mr. Punch
PUNCH Don't do that. Did you get the squashages?
(To audience) I can't say sausages, so I always say "squashages."
JOEY
Mr. Punch, you just said "sausages"
PUNCH
I can't say "sausages"; I always say "squashages".
JOEY You did it again.
PUNCH Did what?
JOEY Said "sausages"
PUNCH I can't say "sausages"; I always say "squashages".
JOEY Oh yes you did.
PUNCH Oh no I didn't!
JOEY (To audience) Didn't he say "sausages"?
PUNCH Oh no I didn't (RESPONSE) (will be repeated)
JOEY See (Down)
PUNCH Ohhhhhhh. What about my Squashages!
7
GHOST (Off, wailing)
Pun -nn- nnn-ch
PUNCH
Who's there?
GHOST
Juuuuuudy
PUNCH
Judy? She's not here; she's down cleaning the baby.
GHOST (Above)
Punnch
PUNCH
Juuuudy! See how you like it!
GHOST (Appears onstage)
Puuunnch!
PUNCH
Am I in the wrong show? We're not doing "A Xmas Carol"
GHOST
Puuunnch!
PUNCH
That's the name; don't wear it out.
GHOST
Reform
PUNCH
Reform? Vote for the Green Party. Or me!
GHOST
Repent! The end is near.
PUNCH
I sure hope so. Wait a minute. There's no such thing as ghosts.
(Tussle)
(Discovers Judy underneath) Judy, what's the meaning of this?
JUDY
I'm tired of your carelessness, lying, drinking, laziness, (on
and on - Did I mention drinking? etc.. ) I'm leaving. (Down)
PUNCH
(Who's been mirroring her rant) Well, you can go to the
Devil !
(GONG) That's a new effect. (Devil rises behind him) (Audience
RESPONSE)
No,no; you can't fool me again. Besides that was a dream. You
want me to turn around.
(Turns, Devil ducks down)
See, there's no one there. (Devil pops back up) Oh, ah;
what a cute little devil.
Did Judy put you up to this?
DEVIL
I get up to things all on my own, with a little help from my friends.
PUNCH
Aren't you a little late? Halloween was two months ago.
DEVIL
I don't do Halloween anymore. It's not good business.
PUNCH
Well, Happy New Year
DEVIL
Not for you. I've come to take you away.
PUNCH
Take me away. Fat chance. He's been after me for 200 years. Bye!
(And the chase is on - to music. At one point PUNCH hands the
DEVIL a dead fish.
PUNCH is finally cornered, but TOBY is heard barking)
Sic'em, Toby.
(DEVIL is dragged off backwards complaining.Toby appears with
the Devil's tail in his mouth)
Spit that out; you know where that's been. (TOBY does)
Good dog. (lick) Bad breath! All right (Hugs & arfs)
You want to sing a song?
What song? I have to guess? Can you give us a hint? (TOBY barks
Auld Lang Syne) What else? Every body sing; it's expected.
(They do with Bottler's encouragement))
8
JUDY (With Baby)
Are you through making a spectacle of yourself?
PUNCH
Couldn't stay away, could you?
JUDY
I can't raise this little monster by myself. (BABY Crying)
PUNCH(To BABY)
Oh, whossy whossy whossy. (To her)
Judy, you take this all to seriously. This is just a Punch
& Judy show.
JUDY
Why is it always a Punch & Judy show; why is it never a Judy
& Punch show?
PUNCH
I'm afraid the answer is alphabetical
JUDY
Alphabetical? In whose alphabet?
PUNCH
Mine of course. The first letter of the alphabet is .(RESPONSE)
. A! Hooray! then comes P, for Punch, then C D E
F Gee I'm smart, then H I K (Kisses her) Got my
kiss, , then LMNOB- for Baby, QRTSTUV, WXY & Z
JUDY
What happened to J?
PUNCH
Okay, sometimes J.
JUDY
I don't know how I put up with this. You get all the jokes.
PUNCH
Judy, Judy, say goodnight to the people, Judy.
JUDY
Good night to the people, Judy!
PUNCH
Judy gets the last one. (She goes)
Bye, bye!
MUSIC
Other puppets come up for calls; PUNCH still on at end when
JOEY closes the curtain.
Copywright "Prof. Will" Stackman, Dec. 1999; prepared
for FIRST NIGHT Boston 2000 specifically to assist an ASL interpreter,
who has never seen this or any other Punch & Judy show. Based
on a quarter-century of performing and updating the show. Longer
than most versions performed in the past. The Bottler was added
for this occasion and performed by PuppetMaster Jake, who uses
a Punch character in his punk version of classic tales.